Christina

This is from my good friend, Christina. She has such an amazing faith and love for and of God, that I had to share it with the world.

I find myself very early this morning humbled by a truth I cannot ignore. My life, although spick and span on the outside, has been covered with webs and excuses on the inside. I have held a grudge, not against any of you, but against God. My need to have what I want, has turned into a spoiled princess temper tantrum.

How dare I turn my nose when God wakes me up every day.

How dare I eat a meal without thanking him for supplying it. And how conceited am I to believe that God owes me a baby. Because I suffered hurt when I miscarried? Is this my reasoning? Did God not hurt as He watched His son tortured for me?

When I see my mother's picture, I have a sigh that uncomfortably follows. A sigh that is supposed to excuse my actions, because I don't have a mother anymore. A sigh that half says to God, you can't expect much from me since you took her. Like I get time to mess up and God will understand without me asking for forgiveness. Why do I feel like I have this right? I don't.

Somewhere along the way I got tired of thinking about what the right thing to do is. How does that happen? I don't get a card that allows me to take a break from life for grievance. And just because my mother is gone doesn't mean I don't need to thank him that everyone else I love is still here, safe and secure every day that I wake up.

So I sit here, after just having a conversation with a friend, realizing that in my heart I thought I was where I needed to be. I go to church. I sing the songs. I bow my head for prayer. I help other people. I love my neighbor. And I just want to scream what is missing God, what am I doing wrong? And then it clicked. I know what it is.

It's what I'M doing. not what I'm letting God do. I was hurt, so I decided to take the reigns. Somewhere I decided I didn't trust God anymore and pushed him out of the driver's seat, not wanting another broken heart.

So here I am God. Giving it all back to you. I'm not saying I expect not to hurt again, I 'm saying if I do, I know you'll hold me while I cry. And I'm sorry for blaming you. For my babies and my momma leaving. You had a reason, and I will see them again. And you don't owe me anything, if you never give me another breath of air again, I still owe you!

Thank you for loving me regardless.

Thank you for all that I have.

And I'm asking you to guide me again in life, and use me to help others. God I never again want to find myself in a position of hindering others from coming to you with my attitude or actions.

God heal the heartstrings from me to you.

And thank you for showing me the answer.